Rapid Hope Loss

I. am. so. tired.

Tired? Exhausted? Feigning energy? Utterly apathetic to moving my muscles?

Just kidding--I'm not so tired right now. As I was typing the above sentences, I got so violently weak that I walked over, in the pouring rain, and definitively bought some dumplings, with a side of Chinese flat bread. And now I'm ready.

Xi'An was a disappointment. Why? It was too touristy. We walked around a couple of temples, saw the clay soldiers, and then went straight back to the hotel because the entire bus was engulfed in a pall of sloth (-like...actions?). I liked it, though. <--- what a generic sentence. and it doesn't even fit in with the rest of the theme of the paragraph! This is how you know I'm tired and about to get sick. The train rides took alot out of me. 35 students taking over a compartment, beer and laughter hanging over the halls, and me trying to sleep (I know this makes me sound like a loser, but don't judge. yet.). What I liked about the trip? There was water provided everywhere. As soon as we got off the bus to the next attraction, there was a case of water just waiting for us, like a...*insert simile here* The soldiers were boring. See one, see them all. What a testament to the Chinese work ethic, but also a testament to the feudal society and pointless harship of millions of lives. The rest of the week was beautiful. We had the final for the first semester at the end of the week, and despite all my valiant attempts against my brain to study for the entire day Thursday, I ended up sleeping, studying for 2 hours, and then reading The Fountainhead until I realized there were 8 hours until the test. What a great book though (one of the main characters is called Peter). Don't worry, Kelly, I woke up at 6am and studied as much as I possibly could 'till the test. I honestly don't remember the rest of the week, except that I got my hair straightened. It cost 174 kuai, and it didn't even matter, because they cut it short anyways, and everyone knows that when my hair is short it's naturally short. Duh. What a waste of money. They didn't even put that cool heating machine on my head to let the wax melt into my hair. I'm going to a different place next time.

Random thoughts? I have none. Except that at this point, I've been feeling a bit of hopelessness from the entire trip. The halfway points of great adventures usually do that to you. It's when you realize that despite being able to play back every moment of the first day in your head again, somehow hundreds of hours have passed by already, that more of the program is over than is coming up, and that all the friendships created, established, broken, glued together, and smudged are all going to disappear into nothing in a few weeks.

By 'nothing' I don't mean not still existent--I mean 'nothing' in the sense that it will never be the same; that while you might meet up with them once in a blue moon and things will be like they were before, there will be no more lazy afternoons on someone's bed wasting time, trying to study, no more dinners grasping for conversation in a hole-in-the-wall food place, no more awkward Chinese conversations in the hall between classes, and most of all, no more sense of purpose, understanding, and shared experience. That was kind of depressing. I'm not actually that sad right now, I think. Also, the hopelessness extends to the Chinese study area too--I've learned so many characters and so many grammar structures that I feel as if my brain's been overloaded to the point where everything is in one ear and out the other ear. I've forgotten and retained to the point of equilibrium; supersaturation, when one more word memorized will catalyze this chain reaction of cleansing, removing everything I've learned and subsequently making space for the more inane, such as lines from The Office or how to make bird sounds with my hands. I don't want to memorize more words. No no no!!! But I'm going to study soon.

McDonald's CEO in China is coming in one hour! It should be a good show, and perfect for those looking forward to the future, where the smog of Beijing stands not for the futility of our collective lives, but rather affected potentialities that might or might not happen (people are hoping for the best, though).
I'm tired. Also, I realized that I really like accessorizing. I got 3 Olympic t-shirts in Xi'An for 50 kuai, and some other odds and ends. OH. If you ever are asked to get a drawing of yourself, do not do it. I spent 30 kuai getting a portrtait done, that looks nothing at all like me. It has already been relegated to the closet of my mind, sitting to collect dust until I take it to my brother and tell him to keep it, as a fake memory of what he looked like when he was 8 years old. What
is worth it though, is one of the beautiful drawings done in the Chinese style, of art, I can't really explain it. On those scrolls. With the colors. Of nature. I'm putting it in my dorm? Back in school? I can't tell. fin

-Petr(ol)